i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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