Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
