Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize