I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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