I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
