i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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