i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
