Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
