I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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