you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
