just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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