So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
