I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
