Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Your penis caused this!
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