I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
