so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
