i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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