I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
