The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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