By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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