I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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