she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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