I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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