and you said cock pushups were impossible
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
