I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
