nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
