I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
