tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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