3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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