Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
