I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
