Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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