last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize