this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
