The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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