I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
