New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize