Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
