no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
