so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
