I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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