I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
