Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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