I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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