Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
