Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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