she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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