I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Life is so much better after having sex.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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