I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
