Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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