just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
