I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Randomize
