lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize