How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize