the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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