I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
