It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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