he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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