Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize