I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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