i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
